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RICHMOND 

A FARCE COMEDY 






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BY 

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DICK & FITZGERALD 

PUBLISHERS 

18 Ann Street, New York 




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p 

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MR. RICH FROM RICHMOND 



A 3$mttt Camfcftij In i&fyttt Arts 

IN WHICH SPECIALTIES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS MAY BE 
INTRODUCED 



By JOSEPH H. SLATER 

AUTHOR OP PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES, THE COON REHEARSAL, ETO. 



Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald 



%? 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 



Note. — The acting rights of this Play are expressly reserved 
by the Publishers to whom Theatrical Managers should apply 
who wish to produce it. Amateur representation may be made 
without such application and without charge. 



^£* 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 



CHARACTERS. 

Louis Schwoppenhoppenheimer.. Proprietor of "The Busy 

Bee" 

Peter Piker An up-to-date cash 1>oy 

Phineas Skippingo. A floor-walker in " The Busy Bee " 

Mr. Rich, from Richmond. With a tender heart 

Mr. Brown, from Brownville An unwelcome visitor 

Caraway Slick A cash register inspector 

Tony Flim-Flam A collector of pictures 

Mr. A. Cheathim A trader in stamps 

Mr. Smoothtouch A trader in money 

Lena Schwoppenhoppenheimer Louis' daughter 

Bertha Clay Moneypenny. .A romantic saleslady and cashier 

Susie Sweeney A smart saleslady 

Customers and Salesgirls. 

NOTE. The minor parts may be doubled as follows, accord- 
ing to the manager's discretion: Mr. Browne Caraway 
Slick, Tony Flim-Flam, Mr. Cheathim and Mr. Smooth- 
touch. Also as many girls as desired may be used as sales- 
ladies. 

Time. — To-day. Locality. — Any country town. 

Time of Playing. — A full evening. 

©CJ.D 41409 

AUG 3 1915 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 3 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. Interior of "The Busy Bee." Pay day. Twenty-five 
dollars, total contents of cash register. How to make business 
active, a fire, a picnic, a dance or rummage sale. " Oh no, it 
was not me." The floor- walker arrives. The advertisement 
for 1000 cash boys. What one honest cash boy can do. " Lay- 
ing " for the next customer and her frantic escape. Skippingo 
busy at telephone. Giving the fish a drink. Caraway Slick 
inspects the cash register. Cupid's Serenade. 

Act II. Scene, same as Act I. Same day. Peter Piker, 
the cash boy, explains to Skippingo how his father was also 
a floor-walker. Peter's duties in his previous places and ex- 
periences as a salesman. His references. Louis requires 
security. Peter's grandmothers. Louis makes a generous 
proposition to Peter and outlines his course of work, also 
his schedule of meals. Additional work for Peter. Cheathim 
pays for his tobacco with stamps. The strike. 

Act III. Scene same as Acts I and II. Two days later. The 
salesgirls want to call off the strike. The request granted. 
Letter from Mr. Rich. Louis' generosity. Arrival of Mr. 
Rich. The mistake discovered. The dog biscuit. Correct this 
time. Mr. Rich refreshes himself. His buttermilk ablution. 
Flim-Fiam executes his scheme and disappears with the dol- 
lar bill. Louis anxious about Mr. Rich and the money. 
Smooothtouch changes a fifty dollar bill. Mr. Rich receives 
a telegram. Louis' plans totally upset, but his wishes ful- 
filled in another manner. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Louis. About 45 years of age. Wears half-bald wig, hair 
rather long; a tight fitting cut-away coat, with plaid trousers, 
both seemingly a size too small. Also spats. 

Peter. About 20 years of age. Wears a loud checked suit. 
Is very " Breezy " in talk and manner. 

Phineas. About 30 years of age. Should have a rather 
dark complexion, black hair and moustache. Wears sack coat 
and plaid trousers. 

Mr. Rich. About 25 years of age. Blonde hair; over 
dressed in the latest style; decidedly effeminate in manner. 



4 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Lena. About 24 years of age. She is very loudly dressed 
in the latest style. 

Salesgirls. All dressed nearly alike, white shirt waists, 
etc., but rather stylish. 

Other costumes as may be available, appropriate to characters 
portrayed. 

The costumes noted are suggestions only and may be 
altered to suit circumstances, but the more exaggerated, the 
greater the effect. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Money in drawer of cash register. Novel for Bertha. 
Kodak for Flim-Flam. Sheet of music, watch and special 
delivery letter for Skippingo. Three letters (one to resemble 
a laundry ticket) door mat, axe, and two suit cases for Peter 
Piker. Bills for Louis. Small satchel containing bills, 
smelling salts, powder puff, etc. with strap attached to hang 
around neck for Mr. Rich. Book and old suit case for Mr. 
Browne. Several bills for Mr. Smoothtouch. 

NOTE. The above is only a necessary list, the store should 
be filled with all the accessories that go to make up the interior 
of a dry-goods store, but should not be too crowded. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, R. 
means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; l. a, left 
of center ; r. c, right of center ; c. d., door in center of rear 
flat; d. l., door at left; d. r., door at right. Up means toward 
back of stage; down, towards footlights. 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 



ACT I. 



SCENE:— The interior of a department store. The following 
signs should be placed in various parts of the store— 
"Bargain Day" " No Trust" "Big Bargains" "Save 
Money and Buy Here " " Busy Bee is the Place to Deal ' 
" Call Again " etc., also prices on goods, c. d. in rear flat. 
Interior backing. Doors down r. and l. Counters running 
from, c. d. to d. k. and d. l. Telephone on wall near c. d. 
Cash register on counter near d. l. Stool for cashier be- 
hind register. Genuine dollar Mil in frame l. of c. d. 
so that it can be easily reached. Boxes, etc. on shelves. 
Parasol on counter. Cigar boxes on counter l., tobacco, 
etc Chaw near d. l. Chairs or high stools in front of 
counters for customers. At rise DISCOVERED Bertha 
Clay Moneypenny seated near cash register l. Susie 
Sweeney behind counter R. and other salesgirls standing 
behind counters r. and l. All sing " The Girl Behind the 
Counter " or any popular song. 

After song, ENTER Louis c. d. 

All Girls. Good morning, Mr. Schwoppenhoppenheimer. 

Louis. What for dis good morning all so sudden? Why 
so friendly all at once dis morning? 

Girls. Why, this is pay day. 

Louis. Oh, dis is pay day. Dot is why you all feel so 
good yet already. 

Gikls. Why of course, we are going to be paid in lull. 

Louis. Paid when full, eh? You're not going to be paid 
when full or sober. Where is your salary coming from, can 
you tolt me, and a bankrupt sale on now already? (To 
Cashier) Miss Cashier, how much money in de treasury 
dis morning? 

5 



6 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Bertha. About twenty-five dollars, all you left there last 
night. 

Louis. We must do somdings to make some business, but 
what shall we do? 

First Girl. I would say start a fire. 

Second Girl. Get up a picnic. 

Third Girl. Give a free dance. 

Fourth Girl. Get up a rummage sale. 

Louis (disgusted). A dance, a picnic, a rummage sale. 
Fun, fun, dot's all wot you girls think about. Ice-cream 
socials and picnics. I've got a better idea. I'll raffle off all 
of you at ten cents a chance, and you all get husbands for 
ten cents each. 

Bertha. Oh, you ten cent husband. (Girls laugh) 

Louis. Dot's right, laugh and show your ignorance, but it 
don't bring no business. De wise old hen never cackles about 
what she's going to do, but what she has done. Now we must 
do something to boost business. Girls, I've got good news for 
you. 

Girls. Oh, what is it? Are you going to give us a 
holiday? 

Louis. Better dan dat, I'm going to give most of you de 
bounce. I must cut down expenses, and so I'm going to cut 
your salaries in half. 

Bertha. Oh pshaw ! You cut our salaries in half only last 
week. 

Louis. Well, I'll cut them some more this week till there is 
nodings left of them. It's too much worry trying to keep 
track of wot you owe me now. 

Bertha. Oh, rats! 

Louis. Who was dat who said rats? 

Girls {except Susie Sweeney, in a sing-song tone). It was 
Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Louis. Susie Sweeney, dot rat will cost you ten dollars. 

Susie. Rats come high, how much for mice? 

Louis. Who said mice? 

Girls (as before, in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Louis. Dis store is rapidly turning into a moving picture 
show. I can see your finish. Susie Sweeney how much salary 
a week are you getting now? 

Susie. One dollar and fifty cents a week, some weeks. 

Louis. All right, dis being de first of April called " All 
Fool's Day " I'll fine you one dollar and seventy-five cents, 



Mr. Rich From Ricnmond. 7 

den you'll owe me a quarter at the end of the week. "Where 
is de walk-floorer? 

Bertha. I think he is down in the basement playing marbles 
or opening up a bale of goods. 

Louis. Opening up a bale of hay? 

ENTER Phineas Skippingo, d. r. 

Skippingo. Good morning, Mr. Schwoppenhoppenheimer. 

Louis. How often have I tolt you not to try and pronunciate 
my name? The last walk-floorer came near losing his life by 
swallowing his false teeth, so don't do it no more; besides it 
wastes valuable time. Wot was you doing? I was looking 
for you everywheres but couldn't find you somewheres. 

Skippingo. I was down stairs decorating the window. 

Louis. Decorating the window! What for? 

Skippingo. Why, to attract customers, of course. 

Louis. Do you expect customers to come in through de 
window ? 

Skippingo. No, sir, but through the door after they have 
seen the goods in the window. 

Louis. Dot's no business, Mr. Walk-floorer. We ain't done 
enough business in dis store to support a sick canary. And 
dese salesladies as dey call themselves are a pack of good-for- 
nothing idlers. (Indicates Bertha, who is reading a novel) 
Look at -dot young chicken over dere mit der red-rosette cast 
of countenance. She is now reading one of Laura Jean 
Slobby's novels entitled " Her Golden Hair was Hanging Down 
de Bed Post." (All .Girls laugh) Do you hear dem laugh- 
ing now instead of boosting business and dusting the cob-webs 
off last year's stock? 

Skippingo. Well, sir, what can I do about it? 

Louis. What can you do about it? Don't I pay you to 
boost business? Dot's what I pay you four and a half dollars 
a week for. 

Skippingo. Well, Mr. Schwoppen 

Louis. Don't say it. Didn't I tolt you already yet more 
than once time? 

Skippingo. Then I would suggest that we advertise. 

Louis. Advertise, what for? 

Skippingo. For one thousand cash boys. 

Louis. A thousand cash boys! Oh, Gott im Himmel! Do 
you think I'm going to start a kindergarten school? What 
do we want mit a thousand cash boys? 

Skippingo. Why, it would be a capital way to attract a 



8 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

crowd and besides, it would give the public the impression that 
we were doing a rushing business. 

Louis. A rushing business in cash boys, eh? 

Skippingo. No, we could then select one good boy from 
among the thousand. 

Loins. Oh, I see, a good cash boy is one in a thousand, eh? 
But what do we want mit a cash boy when we've got a cash 
register already yet? 

Skippingo. To carry the cash from the customers to the 
cashier and bring, back the change. 

Louis. And by the time it reaches me there'll be no change 
left. No, sir, I want no thousand cash boys in my store. 
One honest cash boy can steal all de cash I can afford to lose at 
present. 

Skippingo. Very well, sir, then I shall put a sign in the 
window " Cash Boy Wanted." 

Louis. Say, couldn't you leave out the word " Boy " and 
put " Cash Wanted? " 

Skippingo. But that would reveal your financial embarrass- 
ment to the general public. 

Louis. Don't they know it already when we have a bankrupt 
sale going on? 

Skippingo. Very well, sir, I'll go right away and put the 
sign in the window " Cash Boy Wanted." 

Louis. No thousand, remember. 

Skippingo. All right, sir. [EXIT D. B. 

Beetha (reading from novel). "And the villain still 
pursued her." 

Louis. See here, Bertha Clay, if you have another hemor- 
rhage like that I'll fire the cash register at your head. And 
you attend to business and stop reading " The Life of Jesse 
James " and " Lydia Pinkham " or I'll send you to the foolish 
factory. 

Girls (sing). "Oh, You Beautiful Doll." 

Louis. Stop dot beautiful doll business. What foolishness 
during business hours. Dis is no open air free-for-all concert 
hall. I want you all to get busy and de next customer dot 
comes in, lay for him. 

Bertha. What do you take us for, a bunch of Plymouth 
Rock hens? 

Louis. Well, you ain't no spring chickens, you beautiful 
dolls. (To Bertha) What I meant to say when you didn't 
let me say it was dot you mustn't let any cash customers get 
away. We need the money. 

Girls. Yes, and so do we. 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 9 

Louis. Who said " So do we? " 

Girls (in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Louis (crosses to R.) Susie Sweeney, I discharge you. 

Susie. If you do, I'll quit. 

ENTER a woman customer, c. d. 

Customer. Do you keep any fly paper here? 

Girls (all make a rush at her, exclaiming). What can I 
do for you? (Woman, frightened, screams and EXITS c. d. 
hastily) Oh, pshaw! (Girls cross back to positions behind 
counters) 

Bertha. Foiled again, and the villain still pursued her. 

Louis. Dot's how you scare de customers away. What did 
she want? 

Susie. Some fly paper, and we haven't any. 

Louis. Well, what of dat? You might have sold her some 
wall paper, or a porous plaster. (Girls all laugh) Who was 
dot, who gave me de merry ha-ha? 

Girls (in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Louis. Susie Sweeney, dot merry ha-ha will cost you just 
five dollars. 

Susie. I didn't laugh, sir, that is not with my mouth, so 
to speak. I'll tell you how it was. I've the St. Vitus dance 
and can't help it. 

Louis. I don't care if you have the grizzley bear waltz, 
dot only makes the offense all de greater. (Crosses to d. l.) 
I'm going inside now to take an inventory of de baby carriages. 
When I come back I will be here. [EXIT d. l. 

! 

NOTE. Specialties may be introduced here by Susie and 
Bertha, assisted by the girls in the chorus. 

After specialty ENTER Louis d. l. 

Louis. Any one here since I've been gone? 

Susie. Only one man and he was a human being. 

Louis. What did the human being want? 

Susie. He wanted to know if you'd let him take a moving 
picture of a piece of cheese? (Girls laugh) 

Louis. Dot merry ha-ha will cost you all five dollars and 
you'll owe yourself money at de end of de week for making 
fun of my cheese. 



10 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

ENTER Skippingo d. e., with sheet of music, 

Skippingo. It's all right, sir. 

Louis. What's all right, sir? 

Skippingo. It's in the window. 

Louis. What's in de window, de plate glass? 

Skippingo. No, sir, the sign you told me to put up " Cash 
Boy Wanted." 

Louis. Any results? 

Skippingo. Not yet, sir, we must wait and hope. 

Louis. Yah, dat's what I've been doing the past two years. 

Skippingo. We must adopt the policy of watchful waiting 
and remember that "Hope springs eternal in the human 
breast" as the poet says. (Telephone bell rings) 

Louis. Never mind what de poet says, see what de tele- 
phone says, it may be a customer. (Skippingo crosses to tele- 
phone) 

Skippingo (business at telephone). Yes, yes, this is The 
Busy Bee." (To Louis) It's a customer, sir, he wants to 
know if we have any dried cod fish. 

Louis. Yah, dell him we have plenty of dried cod fish, dot 
is our long suit. 

Skippingo (talking through 'phone). Yes, we have plenty 
of dried cod fish. (To Louis) He wants to know if they are 
very dry. 

Louis. Yah, tell him they are, and ask him how much he 
wants to buy. 

Skippingo. He says he doesn't want to buy any, but if they 
are very dry isn't it about time to give them a drink. (All 
laugh) 

Louis. Oh, Gott im Himmel, such foolishness. I'll have dot 
'phone taken out right quick so soon. (Louis is in corner l.) 

ENTER Caraway Slick, c. d. 

Caraway. I beg pardon, gentlemen, where is the cash 
register? 

Skippingo (indicates l.) Over there, sir. (Crosses down r. 
corner) 

Caraway (crosses to register, plays upon the keys as if it 
were a piano). Do — Re — Mi — Fa — So — La — Si — Do — Dough — 
dough — that's the note I want. (Opens register and takes bills 
out. Goes c, counting money) Gentleman, your register is 
O. K. and in excellent working order. (Starts towards c. d.) 

Skippingo. One moment before you go, sir. Might I inquire 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 11 

who you are and by what right you open the cash register? 

Caraway {feeling in pocket for card). Oh, yes, of course 
I forgot my card; quite an oversight on my part. I must 
have left it at my hotel, The Walled-Off Castoria. I am a 
cash register inspector and my name is Caraway Slick. 
Good day, gentlemen. ( Sings ) " We shall meet on that 
Beautiful Shore " " In the Sweet Bye and Bye." 

[EXIT c. d., singing. 

Bertha {looking in cash register). Boss, he nearly emptied 
the cash register. 

Skippingo. I wonder if he wasn't a swindler. 

Louis. Of course he was, and you stood there and let him 
rob me before your very eyes. 

Skippingo. I couldn't help him. 

Louis. Couldn't help him? He didn't want you to help 
him, he helped himself. Oh, Gott im Himmel, I must sell out 
before I'm robbed. What did he say his name was? 

Skippingo. Caraway Slick. 

Louis. Caraway Slick, dot was a good name for him; he 
carried away de cash slick enough. I wouldn't be surprised 
to see de next fellow drive a moving van up to de front door 
and carry away de whole store. I'll stop ten dollars out of de 
wages I owe you. {Points to music sheet in Skippingo's hand) 
What have you there? 

Skippingo. This is a sheet of new music. 

Louis. I thought it was a map of {Some town nearby) 
before the war. 

Skippingo. I am going to have your daughter, Lena, who is 
our musical demonstrator sing this. 

Louis. " De Busy Bee " is going to be turned into a Singing 
Bee. Oh, well, go ahead and enjoy yourselves. This is All 
Fool's Day. I don't care whether school keeps or not. 
{Crosses to d. l.) 

Bertha. So say we all of us. Isch-ka-bibble. 

Louis ( turns at d. l. ) . Who said dot " Ish-ka-bibble? " 

Girls {in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie {in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Louis. Susie Sweeney, dot " Ish-ka-bibble " will cost you 
five dollars. You are the chief exalted ruler of all de 
anarchists in de Busy Bee. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER Lena c. d. 

Lena. Howdy, girls. 

Girls {sing). "What's the matter with Lena? She's all 
right." 



12 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Skippingo. Lena, you are just in time. I would like you 
to sing this new song; we want to have a run on it, as it is 
very popular in the large cities. It is called 

Bertha. " For the Love of Mike." 

Skippingo. Who said " For the Love of Mike? " 

Giels (in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Skippingo. Susie Sweeney, you are incorrigible. I'll have 
to report you to the boss and let him deal with you. 

Susie. I'll be glad to see anybody that will deal in "The 
Busy Bee." (Girls laugh) 

Skippingo. Silence, girls, and behave yourselves if you can. 
I was about to say that the name of the song is 

Bertha (spouting). Bah, what's in a name? A song by any 
other name will sound as sweet. 

Skippingo. Bertha Clay, I caught you that time. You can't 
blame it on Susie Sweeney. The name is — — 

Lena (snatches music from Skippingo, who EXITS d. r.). 
Oh, never mind the name. I'll sing it. (Girls go c. and form 
a circle around Lena who sings " Cupid's Serenade." Durmg 
the eight lines commencing " Pretty Girl " she holds parasol 
lohich she has taken from the counter and thrums upon it, 
keeping time to music. During singing of the eight lines " Oh, 
Gretchen" she imitates the steps of a clog dance) 

Words and music of " Cupid's Serenade " supplied by the 
publishers, price 30 cents. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

SCENE : — Same as Act I. Same day. 

ENTER Peter Piker, c. d. 

Peter (looking around). Well, this must be the place all 
right. And they call this "The Busy Bee." But the bee 
doesn't seem to be very busy now. I wonder if the king bee 
is at home? I'll bet there are plenty of drones in the hive. 
I saw a sign in the window " Cash Boy Wanted." From the 
appearance of things here I should say they ought to put up 
another sign, " Customers Wanted." 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 13 

ENTER Skippingo, d. b. 

Skippingo (to Peter). Well, young man, what can I do for 
you? 

Peter. You can give me two dollars and sixty cents out of 
the cash register. 

Skippingo. No, sir, we are not doing that kind of business. 

Peter. From the looks of things, I don't think you are 
doing any kind of business just now. 

Skippingo. Well, business is rather dead. 

Peter. Well, it ain't any of my funeral. 

Skippingo. No, of course not, you are not to blame. But 
what brought you here? 

Peter. I saw a sign in the window " Cash Boy Wanted." 
I want cash so I came in after the job. 

Skippingo. Oh, I understand. You have applied for the 
position? 

Peter. Yes, I want to engage you. 

Skippingo. You wish to engage me? 

Peter. Yes, I wish to engage you as my boss. 

Skippingo (laughing). You are quite a genius. However, 
I may inform you that I am not the boss. 

Peter. No? Then I have been wasting my valuable time 
on you? Who are you, the ice-man? 

Skippingo. No, young man, I'm the floor-walker. 

Peter. My father was a floor-walker. 

Skippingo. Indeed, where was he employed? 

Peter. He wasn't employed anywhere. Everybody worked 
but father. 

Skippingo. Then how could he be a floor-walker? 

Peter. Mother made him walk the floor with me every 
night when I was cutting my teeth. 

Skippingo. Oh, I see, your father belonged to " Walker's 
Brigade. 

Peter. No, sir, to the " Light Infantry." 

Skippingo. Where did you work last? 

Peter. I didn't work anywhere. I'm a son of rest. I was 
in the clothing department of Ketchim & Pleecehim, but they 
hired me as an ornament to the store. My business was to 
dress the dummies and see that they didn't walk away or take 
to drink, and also watch the moths to see that none of them 
died of indigestion from overeating the woolen clothing. 

Skippingo. That certainly was an easy job. 

Peter. But they wanted me to go on the road. 

Skippingo. As a traveling salesman for the house? 



14 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Peter. Nothing of the sort. They wanted me to go out on 
the road, to sweep the snow off, to make a path for the 
customers, and right there I balked. 

Skippingo. And of course they fired you. 

Peter. No, sir, I refused to quit. We had four sales in 
four weeks and they retired with all kinds of money. 

Skippingo. What kind of sales were they? 

Peter. First we had a bankrupt sale ; the second week Ikey 
Einstein sprinkled a gallon of gasolene over the men's clothing 
to kill the moths. I guess one of the moths set fire to the 
clothes. Then we organized a fire sale, but the fire department 
in putting out the fire flooded the store with water, so they 
watered the stock. Then we advertised a water sale. The 
fourth week one of the managers cleared out with the cash 
register, then we started a clearance sale. I didn't wait for 
the finish. When I heard that the cash register had gone I 
lost my appetite and my job at the same time. And now I am a 
public inspector of side walks, a gentleman of leisure waiting 
for something to turn up. 

Skippingo. I suppose you have a good reference from your 
last place? 

Peter. Yes, I have a good recommend. (Aside) I wrote it 
myself. 

Skippingo. You remain here and I'll send the boss to you. 
(Crosses to d. l.) 

Peter. Then run right along. I always like to do business 
with the boss. I have no time to waste on common people. 
By the way, what name does he call himself? 

Skippingo. Louis Schwoppenhoppenheimer. 

Peter (falls on floor, has fit). Oh, Lord, I didn't think I 
was going to work for a Russian. Would you just as soon 
break that name up into small chunks? 

Skippingo. You may call him " Schwapp for Short." He 
likes to be called boss. I'll go and send him to you. 

[EXIT d. l. 

Peter. Yes, trot him out and tell him he needn't bring his 
name along. If I get this job I'll have to ask Schwoppenhop- 
penheimer to rechristen himself or prune his name down or I 
can't hold the job. That name would cause a man to drop 
dead of apoplexity. Oh, I'll like this place. I feel it in my 
bones. (Peter may introduce a specialty here) 

After specialty ENTER Louis, d. l. 

Louis. Well, young man, what can I do you for? 



Mr. Rich From Richmond.. 15 

Peter. You can't do me for a cent. I want to see the 
boss. 

Louis. I am the boss. I am it. 

Peter. I want no kidding from the janitor. I came here 
for the job of cash boy. 

Louis. Well, you'll do. Have you ten dollars in cash 
about you? 

Peter. Ten dollars in cash, what for? 

Louis. To put up bonds as security, before you get der 
position as cash boy. You see you will be entrusted with large 
sums of money, sometimes as high as fifty cents. Your duties 
will be to take der cash to der cashier's desk and bring back 
the correct change, without short-changing der customer. Der 
last cash boy we had here was a graduate from the Elmira 
Reformatory and during an attack of brain storm he walked 
off mit der change, he was so absent-minded. How many 
grandmothers have you? 

Peter. One, but she is dead and buried — that is, she was 
buried after she died, not before. 

Louis. Well, that's in your favor. Der last boy we had 
buried eight grandmothers during one base-ball season. We 
had to let him off to attend der funerals; so don't get der 
habit. Have you any reference? 

Peter. Yes. Have you? Say, what is a reference? 

Louis. Something like a statement in writing, to show dat 
you have never served a third term in penitentiary for shop- 
lifting or sheep stealing — something to prove dat you are not an 
habitual criminal and will steal nothing dat's nailed to de 
floor. 

Peter. You bet your boots, I've got one right here. (Hands 
paper to Louis) 

Louis. Dis is a Chinese laundry ticket. 

Peter (takes back ticket). Oh, so it is my mistake and your 
treat. I gave you the wrong one. (Gives Louis another piece 
of paper) Here it is. 

Louis. Dis is a policy slip. Young man, do you play 
policy? 

Peter. Yes, sir, I'm happy to say I do. Ain't " Honesty the 
best policy?" (Takes back policy slip. Hands Louis a large 
sheet of paper) Here you are. 

Louis (reads paper). "Dis is to certify that de bearer, 
Peter Piker, as a cash boy has few equals and no superiors. 
He is in a class all by himself and will bear watching." Dis 
don't say anything about your honesty. 

Peter. No, sir, the less said about that, the better. 



16 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Louis. Young man, are you given to drink? 

Peteb. Not unless drink is given to me. 

Louis. Answer me truthfully, as you hope to hold down dis 
job, do you smoke cigarettes? 

Peteb. Like little George Washington of old, I cannot tell 
a lie. Yes, boss, I do. 

Louis. Then give me de makings. (Peteb gives tobacco) 
Have you ever had de measles? 

Peteb. No, but I had a mouse run up the leg of my pan- 
taloons. 

Louis. De job is yours when you hand me over ten dollars 
as security. I need de money. 

Peteb. But say, boss, I'd like to see your references. What 
security do I get that I'll ever get my salary? 

Louis. I'll give you an interest in der business after fifteen' 
years. Now your work here will be light and pleasant. First, 
you'll have to come to de store at five o'clock in de morning 
and wash all der windows and by dat time breakfast will be 
ready. 

Peteb. And by that time I'll be ready for breakfast. 

Louis. For breakfast we'll have mutton chops, bacon and 
eggs, buttered toast, omelette, Saratoga chips, strawberries and 
cream 

Peteb. Yum ! yum ! my sugar plum, that's good enough for 
me. 

Louis. Yes, but that is not for you. For you we have 
prepared a special dish — mush. 

Peteb. Mush ! 

Louis. And after breakfast you come back to de store, run 
errands, dust de counters, sweep de floors and side-walk, run 
de elevator and by that time dinner will be ready. 

Peteb. Yes and by that time I'll have an appetite for my 
dinner. 

Louis. For dinner we have fricasseed chicken, pate de fois 
gras; wild turkey stuffed with prunes, ice-cream and angel 
cake. 

Peteb. Me for the angel cake. 
Louis. But the angel cake is not for you. 
Peteb. Just my luck. 

Louis. For you we have a special dish, fried mush. 
Peteb. It's pretty much mush all the time. 
Louis. Oh, you'll like the place. 

Peteb. Oh, I know I will, but I'd like a change of diet once 
in a life-time. It's a nice lazy job, nothing to do but work, and 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 17 

nothing to eat but mush. Say, what time does the store 
close? 

Louis. At seven o'clock; but you don't quit work when the 
store closes. 

Peter. No, this must be a continuous performance job. 

Louis. You see, you'll have to act as night watchman. You 
will be on duty from seven P. M. till four A. M. and that ends 
your night's work. 

Peter. Won't that be nice. Let me understand you. First 
I work all day, when I change off to a night watchman till 
four in the morning. That gives me a whole hour to sleep. 

Louis. But the worst is yet to come. In your spare hours 
you can go to my house and cut de wood for next winter and 
ask my wife if she has any chores for you to do around the 
house. 

Peter. Say, seeing I'll have so much spare time, couldn't you 
hire me out to the neighbors while I'm resting? When do I eat 
supper ? 

Louis. Supper is our most elaborate and substantial meal. 
For supper we have Mulligatawney soup imported from 
Punxatawney, Pa., lake trout from our own private lake, and 
spanked cream — I mean whipped cream, oysters on the shell 
and on the half shell, hard shell crabs and soft shell crabs, 
home-talent honey, and we also have fifty different kinds of 
meat. 

Peter. Fifty different kinds of meat? 

Louis. Yes; hash! 

Peter. Mush for breakfast, mush for dinner, and hash for 
supper. I like the supper all right. How much salary do I 
get? 

Louis. You get paid according to merit, seventy-five cents 
the first week, fifty cents the second and twenty-five cents the 
third. Is your life insured? 

Peter. No, sir. But I've been vaccinated. Why do you 
ask? 

Louis. Because you'll have to run the elevator and three 
boys have met a sudden and violent death by dropping into 
the cellar a hundred and fifty feet below and I was sued for 
alimony. I had to bury them at my own expense. 

Peter. Buried three boys and expect to celebrate the fourth ! 
Oh, I know I'll like this place. 

Louis. Follow me. The first thing you've got to do is to 
feed de ferocious bull dog, Rexall. 

Peter. See here, boss, I ain't no dog fancier and I don't 



18 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

fancy feeding bull dogs. On second thoughts you can feed 
Rexall yourself. 

Louis. Well, I'll feed him myself until he gets used to 
you. He's very fond of children; he could live on them. 
But come along and I'll introduce you to the mush. 

[EXIT D. l. 

Peter. I'll be so full of mush, I won't have much room for 
much else. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER d. e. and d. l. Girls singing, and take their places 
behind counters as in Act I. After song ENTER Cheathim 
c. d. and' crosses to l. counter. 

Cheathim. Have you got any tobacco here? 
Girl. Yes, sir, what is your favorite brand? 
Cheathim. Dull Burham. (Or any other tobacco) 
Girl. Yes, sir, we're having a run on that particular brand 
to-day. 

Cheathim. How much a pound? 

Girl. Only eighty-five cents a pound to-day. 

Cheathim. Very reasonable. I'll take a pound. 

Girl (hands him a pound of tobacco). Here you are, sir, 

ENTER Louis, d. l. 

Cheathim. By the way, do you take stamps? 

Girl. Yes, sir, we take anything but sass in "The Busy 
Bee." 

Cheathim (stamps three times on the floor). And this one 
for your own sweet self. (Stamps once) Ta, ta, girlies! I'll 
send you my picture and a lock of my hair by parcel post. 

[EXIT c. d. 

Susie. Well, what do you know about that, girls? 

Louis. I know this much about it, dot you girls will have 
to pay for the stamps. 

Susie. Stung again! 

Louis. Who said stung again? 

Girls (in sing-song tone). It was* Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh; no, it was not me. 

Louis. For de second and last time, Susie Sweeney, you are 
demoralizing " De Busy Bee " and you must go. 

All Girls. If she goes, we all go •with her. 

Louis. What's dis, mutiny in " De Busy Bee"? What does 
it mean? 

Girls. It means that we go out on a strike. 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 19 

Louis. Only last week you went out on two strikes. 

Girls. Well, this is three strikes and out. Down with " The 
Busy Bee." 

Louis. I should think " De Busy Bee," is pretty well down 
now. (All Girls come from behind the counters) 

Girls. Shall we submit to this, girls? 

Louis (crosses to d. l., calls). Peter Piker. 

ENTER Peter Piker d. l. 

Peter. What is it, boss? 

Louis. Telephone for de police patrol. 

Peter, (crosses up c. to 'phone.) "The Busy Bee" is 
pinched. (All the Girls make a dash for and try to seize 
Peter, who EXITS c. d.) 

Girls. Now seize the boss. ( Girls seize Louis, carry him to 
c. d. throw him out, All return and go down c.) If anyone 
calls for the boss tell them he's just stepped out. (All sing) 
" For we are jolly good girls, For we are jolly good girls, which 
nobody can deny." 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

SCENE : — Same as Acts I and II. Two days later. 

ENTER d. l. Louis, who walks with a limp, and Peter, 
followed hastily by Skippingo with large letter in his hand. 

Skippingo. Good news, Mr. Schwoppenhoppenheimer. 

Louis. Don't try to pronunciate my name, but tell me what's 
de good news, break it gently as I've got heart disease and may 
drop down dead on the spot. 

Skippingo. Well, I have here a petition. 

Louis. What's dot, a Bill of Sale? 

Skippingo. No, sir, it is a written request from the salesgirls 
asking if they may come back. They have declared the strike 
off and under these circumstances I would advise you to take 
them back for with all their faults they were hustlers. Give 
them one more chance as we expect a rush of business during 
the holidays. And besides we have advertised "The Busy 
Bee" for sale, and in case we find a purchaser it would 



£0 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

be bad business policy not to have any salesgirls here on his 
arrival. 

Louis. Skipp, you talk almost as sensible as a human 
being. 

Peter. Yes, sir, Mr. Skipp is right. He has a great head 
and he ought to have been a mule. He is right from a business 
stand point; I like to see young ladies around; I enjoy their 
society and they like mine. And as for Susie Sweeney she 
can live in my heart and pay no rent. 

Skippingo. Then, sir, we may consider the matter settled. 
The salesgirls may have their former positions on condition 
of their future good behavior. (Takes letter from pocket) 
By the way, sir, I nearly forgot to give you this letter. It's 
important, no doubt, as it came by special delivery and you had 
better open it at once. 

Louis (opens letter, reads). "My dear Mr. Louis Schwop- 
penhoppenheimer, seeing your establishment, " The Busy Bee," 
advertised for sale, and being anxious to enter the dry goods 
business, I will call upon you in prison " , 

Peter (l.). He must take this place for the county jail. 

Skippingo (looks at letter). You made a mistake, sir, "I 
will call upon you in person." 

Louis. Oh, that's different. (Reads) "I will call upon 
you in person and if the price is reasonable we may be able 
to arrange terms to our mutual satisfaction." 

Peter, I guess he's in the Mutual Life Insurance Co. 

Louis (reads). "I will call on the 23rd." Why, that's to- 
day. (Reads) "I remain, Yours, Mr. Rich from Richmond. 
P. S." What does that mean, P. S.? 

Peter. P. S. stands for pea soup. 

Louis (reads). "Have a man at the depot to meet me. 
He will easily recognize me as I shall carry a black and tan 
suit case containing fifty thousand dollars to pay spot cash, 
a silk umbrella and a pug dog with an ivory handle." 

Peter. A pug dog with an ivory handle. I wonder what 
breed that fellow is. 

Skippingo. He must mean the umbrella has an ivory handle, 
not the dog. 

Louis (reads). "I am five feet, ten and one half, light 
eyebrows, pink cheeks, blue eyes and a Roman nose. I'll 
arrive on the noon train if on time; if it is not, will come by 
the same train later on." 

Skippingo (looks at watch). Why, the noon train is due in 
ten minutes. [EXIT c. d. 

Louis. Ya, dot's so. Peter, get a hustle on yourself and go 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 21 

and meet him at de train. You'll easy know him, he's a tall 
complexioned man with blue cheeks, pink eyebrows and a pug 
dog with a Roman nose. 

Peter. Oh, I'll know him all right. Me for Mr. Rich from 
Richmond. [EXIT c. d. 

ENTER Skippingo c. d. 

Skippingo. There is a delegation from the salesgirls out- 
side. Shall I tell them the good news that all will be forgiven 
and forgotten? 

Louis. Yah, all will be forgotten, even their back salaries. 

Skippingo. You see, we must be busy here when Mr. Rich 
from Richmond arrives to purchase " The Busy Bee." It will 
give him the impression that we are doing a rushing business. 
(Talks off c. d.) Now, young ladies, come right in and take 
your former places as if nothing unpleasant ever happened. 
We are expecting a customer to-day to buy out " The Busy 
Bee," and if we are successful in disposing it you shall be 
re-engaged at an increase of salary. 

ENTER Girls c. d., and take places, as usual. 

Susie. Come girls, let us give three cheers for the boss. 

Girls. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! 

Skippingo. The boss will now give you special instructions 
as to what he wishes each and everyone to do before the arrival 
of Mr. Rich from Richmond. [EXIT Skippingo d. r. 

Louis. Girls, come down here all of you. (Girls form a 
circle around Louis) I am going to give you some money. 

Girls. Oh, won't that be nice! 

Louis. But you'll have to give it back to me right away. 

Susie. Stung again! 

Louis. You must spend it in this store. I want half of 
you girls to go outside and when Mr. Rich comes you must 
enter as customers and buy a lot of goods, then Mr. Rich will 
think we are doing a rushing business. Susie Sweeney, you are 
a smart girl, here's five dollars for you and don't go out and 
spend it all on chewing gum. [EXEUNT four girls, c. d. 

Susie. May I buy a taxicab with the change? 

ENTER Lena d. l. 

Louis (to Susie). You get out. (To Lena) Lena, my 
daughter, you stay here in the store and when dot Mr. Rich 
from Richmond comes, you make all de girls get busy.. 



22 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Lena. Say dad, is Mr. Rich a young man? 

Louis. Yah, about ten feet five — I mean five feet ten with 
a Roman nose and a satchel full of money. 

Lena. What I want to know is, is he married or single? 

Louis. Yah, I think he is, but you'll soon find out all about 
him. Peter Piker has gone to the train to meet him, if he ever 
gets back. (To salesgirls) Now you go behind the counter 
and those ladies shirt waists dot were sold for thirty-five cents 
last week mark them down to nineteen cents, and those ladies 
hose come too high, mark them down to twelve cents. And 
Lena, you lay for Mr. Rich from Richmond. 

Lena (crosses up toward c. d., looks off c. d.). I'm going 
to look out for Mr. Rich. Say pa, there is a poor woman 
without. 

Louis. Without what? 

Lena. Without a husband, I guess. (Crosses to corner l.) 

Peter (off stage c. d.). This way, sir, this way. 

Louis (crosses up to c. d.). Girls, here comes Mr. Rich 
from Richmond, so get busy. (Girls business. Louis crosses 
down to R. corner) 

ENTER Peter c. d., carrying suit case, followed by Mr. 
Browne, ivho carries a book. 

Peter. Here he is, girls. 

ENTER c. d. four girls. 

Girls (shouting). Where is the bargain counter? 

Louis. How do you do, Mr. Rich from Richmond? 

Browne. I fear there has been some fearful mistake. I am 
not Mr. Rich from Richmond. 

All. No ! 

Browne. No, I am Mr. Browne from Brown ville. 

Louis. And didn't you come to buy out my store, " The Busy 
Bee? " 

Browne. No, sir, I don't like bees, they are apt to sting. 
I am a book agent. I have here a copy of the best seller 
" How to be Happy, Though Married " which I am selling at 
the ridiculously low price of one dollar and twenty-five cents. 

Louis. A book agent. Oh, Gott im Himmel, Peter, throw 
him out. 

Peter (to Browne). Right this way out, sir. (Throws 
out Browne c. d. EXIT c. d., four salesgirls) 

Louis. Peter, why did you bring that fellow here? 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 23 

Peter. Well, sir, he asked me to show him the homliest man 
in town and I brought him here to you 

Louis. Wot ! 

Peter. Thinking you might be able to direct him to someone 
homlier than yourself, if it was possible to find one in America. 

Louis. Now you go right away back and find dot Mr. Rich 
from Richmond, or I'll fire you. Hurry or you'll be late for 
that train, and don't you bring in any more book agents or 
peddlers. We want no one but Mr. Rich from Richmond. 

Peter (crosses to c. d. ). I'll fetch him this time sure. A 
tall complexioned man with stout eyebrows. [EXIT c. d. 

Louis. Girls, I'm going into de next room to change my 
mind (Crosses to d. l.) and water the stock. When Mr. Rich 
from Richmond comes, let me know. Remember he brings 
fifty thousand dollars and a Roman nose in a satchel. 

ENTER Woman, c. d. 

Woman. I say, you old Dutch sauerkraut, what do you mean 
by selling me the wrong kind of biscuit? 

Louis. My good woman, I didn't did it. 

Woman. No, but one of your chewing-gum salesgirls did it. 

Lours. What was wrong mit dot biscuit? 

Woman. When my husband began eating it, he noticed it had 
a strange taste so I looked at the label and it read "dog 
biscuit." 

Louis. Well, how was the girl to know whether you wanted 
dot biscuit for your husband or for der dog. Did it make him 
sick? 

Woman. No. 

Louis. Den it must agree mit him. I would advise you to 
feed your husband on dog biscuit all de time and he'll make a 
good watch dog. 

[EXIT Louis d. l. and Woman c. d. 

Peter (off stage c. d.). Right this way, Mr. Rich. 

Lena (runs to c. d.). He's coming, girls. (Crosses down l. 
corner ) 

ENTER Skippingo c. d. 

Skippingo (crosses down r. comer). Mr. Rich is coming. 
Now girls, get busy. 

ENTER Peter c. d., carrying suit case, folloioed by Mr. Rich 
and the four salesgirls who create a great noise inquiring 



24 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

" Where is the bargain counter " and various other ques- 
tions ad libitum to give the impression that business is 
rushing. 

Peter (crosses to r. corner). Mr. Skippingo, this is Mr. Rich 
from Richmond. 

Skippingo (crosses a, shakes hands with Mr. Rich). Glad 
to meet you, sir. We have been on the lookout for you, Mr. 
Rich. 

Peter. Yes, sir, we have been laying for you. 

Skippingo (to Peter). Silence. (To Mr. Rich) Mr. Rich, 
these are some of our salesladies. 

Rich (crosses to corner r., bows to all). Charmed, ladies, I 
am sure — in fact delighted. You seem to be very busy here 
to-day. 

Peter. Oh, not at all, sir, this is rather a dull day for " The 
Busy Bee." (Crosses to d. l., call off d. l.). Oh, boss, come 
here. 

ENTER Louis d. l. 

Louis. What is all dis racket here? 

Peter. Boss, this is Mr. Rich from Richmond, who has come 
to buy " The Busy Bee." 

Louis. I am glad to meet you, sir. 

Rich. The honor is all mine, Mr. Schwoppenhoppen — 
(Sneezes) excuse me ladies, but I am suffering from a slight 
attack of hay fever. 

Peter (aside). I think he has the heaves. 

Rich. As I was about to say, you are, Mr. Schwoppen • 

LoUis. Yah, I know who I was, but don't try to pronunciate 
it. Three men died from lock-jaw trying to say it. Lena, come 
over here at once. [EXIT Skippingo d. l. 

Lena (going a). Here I am, pa. 

Louis. Mr. Rich, this is my daughter Lena. 

Rich. Delighted to make the acquaintance of Miss Lena 
Schwoppenhoppen — ( Sneezes ) 

Peter (aside, l. corner). He'll strangle this time sure. 

Louis. Don't say it, or you'll never live to buy out my store. 
Call her " Schwopp " for Short. 

Rich. Well, then, Miss Lena " Schwopp for Short," I am 
charmed to make your acquaintance. I am, really, don't you 
know. 

Lena. Oh, really, Mr. Rich, the pleasure is all mine. 

Rich. Pardon me for a moment, ladies, I'm somewhat 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 25 

fatigued. I've my smelling salts somewhere here. (Takes out 
small bottle from satchel) It always refreshes me after a long 
journey. 

Girls (in chorus). Oh, you sweet thing ! Oh, you angel face. 
(Louis tries to quiet them by pantomime. Mr. Rich takes out 
powder puff and hand-glass and powders his face) 

Peter (aside). If I had that face, I'd use dynamite. 
(Aloud) Say, boss, what shall I do with the rest of the money 
down stairs? Every bushel basket is full. 

Louis. Put it in that large empty sugar barrel and when dot 
is full get de cistern out in de yard. [EXIT Peter d. l. 

Rich. You seem to be doing a rushing business here. 

Louis. Yah, Russian, Polish, Irish and Scandinavian, one 
and all, dey trade at " The Busy Bee." 

Mr. Rich. Well, Mr. Schwoppen 

Louis. Don't say it — just call me Louis for short. 

Rich. Well then, " Louis for Short," before we proceed to 
the important business that brought me here, I am going out 
to take my daily buttermilk ablution. 

Louis. Ab — whatshun? 

Rich. My buttermilk bath. 

Louis. Gott im Himmel, do you bathe yourself all mit butter- 
milk? 

Rich. Yes, sir, you see my physician ordered it for my 
complexion. Can you direct me to a lactatorium? 

Lena. He means a dairy kitchen, pa. 

Louis. Do you bathe in a dairy kitchen? 

Rich. No, I take lunch there. A lactatorium is a new name 
for a buttermilk bathing place, really, don't you know. 

Lena. Wouldn't an ice-creamorium do just as well? 

Rich. Well, fair creature, lead me to the ice-creamorium and 
then I shall proceed to the lactatorium. 

Louis (aside). And then we'll lead him to the sanatorium. 
This fellow is crazy. I wonder if he has the fifty thousand 
dollars with him. I'll try and find out. (Aloud) Mr. Rich, 
while you are out taking your buttermilk bath, suppose you 
leave your money and valuables here in the safe until you come 
back. This is a dangerous place and you might get robbed. 

Rich. Yes, I might, that's the reason I shan't leave it here. 

Louis (aside). I don't think he's quite as crazy as I at first 
thought he was. 

Rich. Thanks. I'll take care that no one takes care of it 
except myself . (Indicates sign) I see you have a sign reading 
" No Trust." I take that hint, I don't trust anyone. " Since 
man to man is so unjust. How can I tell which man to trust." 



26 Mr. Eich From Richmond. 

Louis. Do as you please, Mr. Rich, I must go down stairs 
and send a few hundred thousand to the safe deposit vaults. 
I'm overstocked mit money. (Grosses to d. l.) My daughter 
Lena will entertain you till I come back. Take good care of 
yourself in this wicked city, and above all don't drown your- 
self in dot buttermilk bath. [EXIT d. l. 

Rich. Oh, I shan't be lonesome in the society of so many 
charming young ladies, really, don't you know. And if I can't 
entertain them, perhaps they can entertain me. 

NOTE. A specialty can be introduced by Mr. Rich assisted by 
Peter and the girls. 

Rich {after specialty). Now my charming "Lena Schwop 
for Short," if you will conduct me to a saloon 

Lena and Girls. What! 

Rich. I mean an ice-cream saloon where I can refresh the 
inner man. 

Girls. What about refreshing the inner woman? 

Rich. Now, girls, don't get jealous and I'll order an extra 
large can of ice-cream and you can have an ice-cream social 
all to yourselves. 

Girls. Oh, won't that be nice. Three cheers for Mr. Rich. 
(Girls cheer) 

Rich. Thanks ladies. {To Lena) Loveliest of *thy sex, 
come with me and we will wander beneath the stars and wonder 
which star will be our star when love becomes immortal. 

Lena. I will go with thee, my own sweet Romeo. 

[EXEUNT Mr. Rich and Lena c. d. 

ENTER Louis D. L. 

Louis. Is dot Mr. Rich gone? 

Bertha. Yes, and Lena is gone with him. 

Louis. She'll take good care of him and his money. 

ENTER Flim-Flam c. d., carrying kodaks 

Flim-Flam. Ah, fair ladies, may I take a picture. 

Bertha. Oh, girls, he's going to take our picture. ( Girls all 
pose in different positions) 

Flim-Flam {goes c, turns back to audience as if about to 
take picture) Now ladies, if you will kindly look straight out 
and keep your eyes on yonder (Mention anything out in front 
of house. Girls do so. Flim-Flam crosses up, takes down 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 27 

dollar which is in frame over c. d. puts it in his pocket) That 
will do, ladies. I'll call again soon, if not sooner. [EXIT c. d. 

Louis. Buncoed again. There goes the first dollar I ever 
took in at " De Busy Bee " and you all stand and let him walk 
off mit de picture. 

Girls. We thought he only wanted to take a picture of the 
store. 

Louis. What next, I wonder? 

Bertha. Cheer up, old man, the worst is yet to come. 

Louis. Who said the worst is yet to come? 

Girls (in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. Well, you'll 
catch him for he said he's come again. 

Louis. Yah, dot's what dey all say, but dey never do. Oh, 
Gott im Himmel, I'm ruined. 

ENTER Lena c. d. 

Lena. What's the matter, pa? . 

Louis. A swindler walks right in, takes de first dollar I 
took in in " De Busy Bee," and walks right out again. My 
first dollar is gone and my last dollar nearly gone. I might 
as well go to the Poor House. 

Lena. Cheer up, pa, that fellow will get pinched when he 
tries to pass that dollar because it's bogus. 

Louis. My first dollar bogus, how's dot? 

Lena.' It's a Confederate bill. You see, one day I wanted 
to buy a rat for my hair. I took out the good bill and put in 
the Confederate one so he'll get pinched all right. 

Louis. Where did you leave dot Mr. Rich? 

Lena. He went to take his buttermilk bath after which he 
will get his face massaged, then he'll have his fingers mani- 
cured. I tell you he is up-to-date, he is. 

Louis. I hope he ain't' up to anything else, why don't he get 
his hair calcimined? He may get touched for his boodle 
before he buys out my store, or he may be one of those green- 
goods fellows dot peddle gold bricks. 

Lena. He's got the boodle, he's not a faker, pa, he's all 
wool. 

Louis. Yah, so is a sheep. 

Lena. There's some class to him and he's going to buy me a 
taxicab. [EXIT d. l. 

Louis. I hope he'll turn up all right, nearly everyone dot 
comes in here is a swindler or a thief. 



28 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

ENTER Peter d. l. and Smoothtouch c. d. 

Smoothtcuch (to Louis). Good day, sir, are you the 
proprietor of "The Busy Bee?" 

Louis. Yah, I think I was, but I ain't proud of it. 

Smoothtouch. The bank is closed and I wish to procure a 
fifty dollar bill for a number of small ones, if you can oblige 
me. 

Louis. Your money ain't confectionery, is it? 

Smoothtouch. If you mean Confederate, oh, no, sir. You 
wouldn't take me for a swindler, would you? 

Louis. No, sir, I wouldn't take you for a Christmas present. 
I didn't say you wasn't a swindler, did I not? 

Smoothtouch. I assure you, sir, I am an honest man. 

Louis." Yah, dot's what dey all say before dey swindle me. 

Peter. Boss, that man is all right, if I'm any judge of 
human nature. Can't you see the stamp of honesty on his open 
face countenance? 

Louis. The stamp is pretty well worn off. 

Peter. I'll go good for him. 

Louis. Yah, but who'll go good for you? All right mine 
honest friend, I think I've got a fifty dollar bill that I was 
saving up for a rainy day. 

Smoothtouch (counts money into Louis' outstretched hand). 
Five, ten, fifteen, sixteen — by the way, how old is your beautiful 
daughter ? 

Louis. Twenty-four. 

Smoothtouch (counts as before). Twenty-five, twenty-seven 
and how old is your charming wife? 

Louis. Forty-eight. 

Smoothtouch (counts as before). Forty-nine, fifty. There 
you are, sir. (Takes fifty dollar bill from Louis) Thanks, 
sir, here's my card. Good day, sir, I shall not soon forget your 
kindness. (Sings as he EXITS) "Then you'll remember me." 

[EXIT c. d. 

Louis (reads card). Slippery Elm Smoothtouch. 

Peter. Boss, I don't like that name. I think you'd better 
count over that money. 

Louis (counts money). Gott im Himmel, I've only got four- 
teen dollars for my fifty dollar bill. 

Peter (laughing). How old is your beautiful daughter and 
how old is your charming wife? Say boss, your name ought to 
be Mr. Easy Mark or Puddinhead. 

Louis. Oh, dis is de last straw dot breaks de elephant's 
trunk. Peter, you run out and find dot Mr. Rich and if he 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 29 

hasn't already yet committed susanside I will sell out " Dis 
Busy Bee" at half price right away quick. 

Peter. That Mr. Rich may have drowned himself in his 
buttermilk bath. [EXIT Peter c. d. 

Louis. Den I was a lost Dutchman. 

RE-ENTER Peter c. d., carrying door mat. 

Peter. Say, boss, you'd better keep this inside. I saw a 
man wipe his feet on it just now. 

Louis. You fool, dot is what is called a door mat, it was 
made to wipe the feet on. 

Peter. Is that so? I generally use a towel. [EXIT c. d. 

Louis. Dot boy will have a bad finish yet. He'll end up as 
a base-ball umpire and so he won't have a friend in the world. 
(Crosses l. and sits in chair) Young^ ladies, be on your good 
conduct. Mr. Rich will soon come back. 

Girls (sing). "We don't care if he never comes back." 

Louis. Who said " We don't care if he never comes back? " 

Girls (in sing-song tone). It was Susie Sweeney. 

Susie (in same tone). Oh, no, it was not me. 

Louis. Susie Sweeney, I'll have to fine you two dollars. Not 
because I believe you guilty, but because I need the money. 
(ENTER Peter d. l. with large axe) What for is dot axe, 
Peter? 

Peter. Boss, I heard you say you wanted to cut down ex- 
penses. Let me give you a pointer. 

Louis. I already have a bull-dog. I'm not a dog fancier, 
keep him yourself. 

Peter. My pointer is a business trip. They say music has 
charms to jolly the Reuben. Now my plan is this, when Mr. 
Rich comes in, let all the girls sing and under the influence 
of music you can make a good bargain. 

ENTER Lena c. d. 

Louis. Dot was a good idea to turn " De Busy Bee " into 

a singing bee. Where is my daughter Lena? Now Lena, you 

get down de music sheet and get busy. What shall we sing? 

Susie. " Come into my Parlor, said the spider to the fly." " 

Louis. Susie Sweeney, dot will cost you one stick of chewing 

gum for each girl. 

Peter. Let us all sing " When Reuben Comes to Town." 
Lena. Oh, that would sound too personal. Let us sing 
"Oh, you kid." 



30 Mr. Rich From Richmond. 

Peter. What's the matter with " Strike up the band, here 
comes a Sailor?" 

Lena. But Mr. Rich is no sailor. 

Peter. Why of course he is, ain't this place for sale? 
(Lena aims Mow at Peter) 

Lena. As head musical demonstrator I will select the music. 

Girls. Hear, hear! 

Louis. What is the matter mit dis hear business, I am de 
boss here and I will do all de hear hear business. (Girls 
go down stage, sing and all join in chorus) 

During song ENTER Mr. Rich c. d. 

Rich (after song). Ah, young ladies, I congratulate you one 
and all upon your vocal abilities. I perceive you are all singing 
bees in "The Busy Bee." 

Peter. Yes, sir, our girls are some singers ; there's only one 
thing their throats need. 

Rich. What is it? 

Peter. Cutting. (Crosses to corner l.) 

Rich. Now that is the unkindest cut of all. 

Girls. I should say so. (Girls cross behind counters, ex- 
cept Lena, who remains c. r.) 

Bertha (spouting). "The man who lays his hand upon a 
woman save in the way of kindness is unworthy the name of 
an American." 

Susie. Shakespeare ! 

Louis. Girls, you shut up. Shakespeare is a dead one. Now 
to business, Mr. Rich. 

Rich. Yes, of course, and that reminds me of a telegram I 
have just received. I regret very much to state that I have 
bad news for you. 

Louis (l. c). If you've got bad news to told me, don't 
told me, I can't stand much more. Don't say dot you've lost 
your money in the buttermilk bath. 

Rich. No. The telegram is from my family physician. I 
see you are doing a big business in " The Busy Bee." 

Peter. You bet we are. Why, we are six months behind in 
filling orders for our country customers. 

Rich. My family physician knows that I've got a weak heart. 

Lena (aside to Louis who is l. a). I hope he don't get cold 
feet. 

Rich. And fearing that the excitement of such a rush of 
business might produce heart failure, he warns me against 



Mr. Rich From Richmond. 31 

such a dangerous undertaking as it might prove fatal, so I'll 
have to call the deal off. I cannot buy " The Busy Bee." 

Louis. Stung again! (Falls back into Peter's arms) 

Peter (supporting Louis to chair l.). You have killed the 
poor old man. 

Louis. Yah, let me die in pieces. 

Lena. You should have broken the news gently. Now you 
can be held responsible for papa's death. What have you to say 
about it? 

Peter. Yes, sir, what have you got to say for yourself? His 
blood is upon your head and his death is at your door and 
Sherlock Holmes will be on your track. 

Bertha. " And the villain still pursued him." 

Louis. Shut up, Bertha Clay, or your name will be Mud. 

Rich. I have only this to say. I'm willing to make all the 
reparation in my power, Mr. Schwoppenhoppenheimer, although 
I cannot carry out the business deal as I expected, I have 
another plan that I trust will meet with your approval. Since 
I have met your daughter, Lena, I have fallen madly in love 
with her. In fact it was a case of love at first sight, and if 
you will give your consent to the union all may turn out for 
the best. I have the fifty thousand dollars in my satchel. 
Can I have your daughter? 

Louis (jumping up). Yah, take her for fifty thousand, I 
only wish I had three or four more daughters, you could have 
them at the same price. 

Rich. Very well, that's a bargain. 

Bertha. Bless you, my children. 

Peter. Hold, I forbid the bans. 

All. What ! 

Peter. Unless I can marry Susie Sweeney. 

Louis. Yah, you can marry Susie, and all de rest of de 
chickens for I am going to retire from " De Busy Bee." I've 
been stung too often. 

Girls (go c. All sing). "For he's a jolly good fellow — 
He's a jolly good fellow — which nobody can deny." (This or 
any other popular song with a full chorus may de used) 

CURTAIN. 



A REGULAR FLIRT 

SOCIETY COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 

By ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Four male, four female characters. Leading gentleman and three walk- 
ing gentlemen; a designing widow, two walking ladies and a soubrette. 
Time of playing, zy 2 hours. The action develops a tendency to cross 
purposes, i interior and i exterior scenes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — The eve of the house-party. Dick decides to be rmtler in his 
uncle's family. Mrs. Mason decides to marry the doctor. The wager. 

Act II. — Next morning. The race lost and won. Dick in the tool-box. 
Mrs. Mason is made happy. 

Act III. — Two weeks later. Marie surprised. Doctor and Dick come 
to an understanding. The flirt succumbs. 



WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE 

A RURAL, SOCIETY COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 
By ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 

PRICE 35 CENTS 

Four male, four female characters. Comedy old man, countryman, 
juvenile lead, walking gentleman; leading old lady, two juvenile walking 
ladies, Irish soubrette. Time of playing, 2 hours. Matrimonial schemers. 
Plotters baffled. Full of incidents of rousing interest. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Scene, Kitchen at Meadow Farm. Arrival of city relations. 
Mix-up of mistress and maid. Paul shows his hand. Nelly invited to her 
aunt's house at Newport. 

Act II.— One month later. Lawn card-party at Newport. Paul's strata* 
gem. Arrival of Jim and Pete. Mrs. Briscoe's aspirations. Nelly's 
betrothal to Paul. 

Act III. — Six months later. Scene, library in Mrs, Briscoe's New York 
house. Eve of Jim's wedding. The toast. Norah's disclosure. Exposure 
of Paul. Mrs. Briscoe's mistake. Nelly's escape. "When a man's single^ 
Oh, then I" 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. P. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 30 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 2^ hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OE CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours.... 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 214 hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2% hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 5 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; lhour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; 1% hours 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1 $4 hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRES 

mm 



017 401 426 7 

COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 



BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; 2 hours , 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2J^ hours 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2% hours , 

DEACON. 5Acts; 2% hours , 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes. 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hours 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting .... 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2\i hours 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; 1% hours.... 

JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 2\4 hours 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2% hours 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2\b hours 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3Aets; 2 hours 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3Acts;2hours 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acts;2hours 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts ; 2J^ hours 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2\b hours 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2\i hours 

WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2V£hours 



M. F. 

6 3 



13 

5 

, 6 

4 
, 5 
6 
5 
7 
, 4 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 214 hours.... 11 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts:2hours 6 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2^ hours.... 5 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2J4 hours. 9 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



